waterboarding double feature!! capt. whitebeard’s tales of the whirlpool, part IV

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Believe me, I know the horrors of watery graves. Far too many of me fine mateys have gone down into Davy Jones’ locker and never returned. So, I got more than a little interested last fall when I heard that the American government, at the request of VP Dick Cheney, was hoping to approve various “robust interrogation techniques” (or, as people-huggers call ‘em, “torture”) for use against detainees in that strange thing these people call a “war on terror.” One such technique is called waterboarding, and is the subject of this fine double feature you’ll be enjoying here today.

First, we should familiarize ourselves with the procedure. I could tell you about it, or I could show it to you. Hmm . . .  if only there were some news outlet so pugnaciously commited to its ratings that it would offer one of its own bumbling idiots up to the voracious, shock-factor gods of the American masses in order to make a quick buck, disguised as an attempt to educate the public . . .

Oh wait! There’s Fox News!

Oh yeah, and there’s Steve Harrigan, Fox’s resident guinea pig!

Here, ye dogs, be yer illustration.

Notice the fear that has set up permanent residence in the eyes of Steve Harrigan. And through it all, he’s able to admit that yes, it is torture; but it’s really effective torture!

Anyway, as I was contemplating this horrible act of torture, and the Vice President’s adamant approval of it, and how the citiznens of the U.S. must be ashamed of its government’s actions, the following voices entered my dreams that night. Voices from long ago, in my time of trying in the whirpool. They gave me soothing words of comfort:

Arr, if these pretty voices didn’t nearly cause me to want a little waterboarding myself! Particularly with the weather we’ve been havin’ lately. I began to wish for a little sprinkle of water, too! Apparently, spraying a suspected terrorist with a Super Soaker 9000 is more inhumane than waterboarding!

That, me mateys, is how you make a molehill out of a mountain.

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