Peyton Manning: Used car salesman, or worse?

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There is an amazing thing occurring in the NFL today. I’m not sure if you’ve noticed it. On the end table next to our sofa, I have a note card and pen sitting there for documentation of this strange thing, and I’ve carefully instructed Renee to document it as well. She obliges, and together we’ve realized that this crazy fact seems irrepressibly true:

Peyton Manning is the only person left in the National Football League.

At least, that is what I’m gathering from Madison Avenue. Rare is the occurrence of a television commercial break without Peyton Manning trying to pander at least one useless trinket off on me. And sure, the names of other NFL “stars” are mentioned sometimes. It even seems that Peyton has some brother that plays football too? But the point is, Peyton Manning is overexposed, and I would be pleased to no longer see him selling crap on my television.

I’m normally pretty congenial about superstars whoring themselves out to corporate advertising. Michael Jordan set the stage for it, and many a big name American sports star has indulged over the years. But I am especially fed up with Peyton because it’s not that he has lucked into one big honkin’ endorsement deal. That, I would be fine with. Even if he was selling me only one product, and he tried to sell it to me on every commercial break, I probably wouldn’t be wasting my time blogging about it. No, this good ol’ boy has been spotted selling practically everything. Trust me: I know.

I mentioned that Renee and I have been keeping track. This football season alone, we’ve seen him in SEVEN (7) different companies’ advertisements! Here’s the list so far:

1. DirecTV
2. Sony
3. Gatorade
4. ESPN
5. Mastercard
6. Sprint
7. H.H. Gregg

I’m convinced that I’ve missed a few.

He may be a great quaterback. He may be one of THE greatest. But I think it’s time we acknolwedged that he is also THE GREATEST ad whore the NFL has ever produced. Dan Marino did his gloves. LT sells TVs. McNabb, some chunky soup. Ocho Cinco, Big Ben, and a few others sell posters. But nobody sells everything like Manning. Reggie Bush is following in Manning’s footsteps, but now that his Saints are off to a winless, he might not achieve the same level of personal integrity compromise that #18 has. My advice to Reg: run. Run away while you still can Those tricks may be well-compensating, but in the end, turning tricks is turning tricks. Period.

And to Peyton Manning, who shows no interest in slowing down, I have some ideas for particular brands you have yet to pander to the American public that you may take into consideration. Here’s a few:

• Wendy’s: Quick, before the hey-look-the-goofy-guy’s-wearing-a-wendy-wig gets old!
• Wal-Mart: I don’t know, it just seems like a good fit. You could, like, be throwing a football in the electronics section… oh wait, you already did that on last season’s H.H. Greggs’s spot.
• GEICO: Because of the cavemen, you know? They’re like us… only… well, they shouldn’t be! Genius!
• The NHL: I know, wrong sport; but they’re sliding, and you’ve got all your teeth. It’ll work
• TV spot for the new Radiohead album: I guess I’m just thinking it would be funny to hear you say, “Name your price!” Because then I could wittily mutter under my breath something like, “Yeah, I bet you named your price, you little skank.” Then, of course, Renee would probably ask me what I said, and then I’d mumble it again, and she’d inform me it wasn’t funny, and then I’d take another sip of my Fresca pop and pretend I didn’t hear her, thinking to myself that it was funny and she didn’t have to be so uppity all the time and… ok, I forgot what I was even talking about.

Anyone else have some suggestions? There is a whole world out there, it seems, that Peyton has yet to solicit my (aka Renee’s) well-earned cash for. I’m sure he’ll get around to it.

He might even play a game or two of football in between.

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